My familiar hell

To Whom It May Concern:

Shoppers of America, please note that you are severely pissing off the masses of your fellow Americans who find themselves working in the hell that is retail. Retail would be more tolerable for those of us wearing the name badges, vests, or polyester uniforms if we could change just one thing. While you may think that I am referring to the deplorable pay, working conditions, dress code, or the constant exposure to bad fluorescent lighting, you’re mistaken. I am discussing you, the absent minded consumer. While all of the aforementioned downsides of the industry do exist, the most heinous hindrance to our every day routines is the ill-mannered, ill-prepared, rude, and/or mildly retarded customers that we are forced to interact with on a daily basis. Now you may be thinking, oh, I know the ones she’s talking about and that’s not me; think again. Even though I know an offender when faced with one, I myself must admit that when I’m not on the clock at my place of employment, I too can be the asshole customer that has driven someone absolutely crazy at some other store. Most of my complaints are biased to the video and book world because those are the two industries that I have worked for the most. But whether you’re hocking novels or pushing sporting equipment, if you’ve ever worked retail you’ll know my pain. Here is a working list of the dos and don’ts of the sales world:
Don’ts:
-Don’t be surprised to find that I have not cataloged in my mind the exact shape, size, and color of every piece of merchandise of my store. You want the pink Nora Roberts book? The Johnny Depp movie with the black cover? Well guess what, Nora Roberts writes ROMANCE novels, pink is a staple color for her cover designs and Johnny Depp has been in 341 movies that all have black covers because he is a dark and brooding man. These are facts, and-by the way- not my fault. Or even better; you ask me for the book that was here last week. It was blue, and small, about yea big. Well, I can almost guarantee you that we have over one thousand books that match that exact description and odds are at least nine hundred and eighty four of them were here last week on your last visit. So please save your open mouthed shock when I can’t help you for someone who gives a damn.
-Don’t look at me like I just sodomized your grandmother when I tell you that no, you cannot get cash back for merchandise without your receipt. EVERYONE knows that. Why would I give you precious money if you can’t even be responsible enough to hold on to a piece of paper for three days? Perhaps if you’d thought about it before you bought “Jackass: The Movie” for little Timmy, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.
-Don’t expect me to watch your child. Nannies make good money, and if I liked children, I’d become one. However, since I’m not a guitar wielding nun with a sunny disposition, keep your little DNA deposits with you at all times.
-Don’t get mad at me when the aforementioned kid hurts himself because you aren’t paying attention. Just because he or she face planted into one of my displays does not make me liable. In fact it makes me nothing more than irritated because while you get to pick up your now screaming demon baby and leave in an obnoxious huff, I have four hundred copies of Harry Potter to pick up and arrange in a perfect pyramid… AGAIN.
-Don’t think that the threat of ratting me out to my manager scares me. I’m not stupid enough to do something in front of you that will get me fired, and if by some chance I did, I will deny deny deny. However, because there are so many of your kind, most retail managers have learned to smile and nod to your face and then laugh about your idiocy in the break room later. I assure you, I’m not frightened.
-Don’t think that you’re special and coupon expiration dates don’t apply to you because you made an honest mistake and forgot you had it. How about next time you make an honest mistake, make it one we can all benefit from: forget to breathe. Ten percent off is no reason for you to ruin my day.
-Don’t make me repeat things at the check out because you were too busy talking on your cell phone. Talking on your cell phone in line is the modern day equivalent of wearing white after Labor Day, Emily Post would not approve. Not only is it rude, but are you doubling your time in front of me and therefore killing my productivity, and you are pissing off scores of people behind you that don’t care about your aunt’s hysterectomy or what your husband wants for dinner. And by the way, technology has gotten swell, you needn’t yell into your cell phone, they can hear you… we can all hear you. And for those of you with the ear piece phones, don’t be shocked when I reply to a question that was intended for whoever you’re talking to on your invisible phone. At first glance, you seem schizophrenic, upon a second look I realize that, barring some kind of degenerative muscle disease, you’re just too lazy to hold a phone to your ear.

Now, there are approximately four thousand more "don'ts" that need to be included here, but frankly I'd get down to semantics that would be far too detailed for the masses to appreciate.

However, I will conclude this rant with the only "do" that has come to mind thus far:
-Do feel free to perform your shopping online. Perhaps then your idiosyncratic annoying behavior will be shining back at you in your monitor's reflection and you will realize the colossal pain in the ass you have been to scores of retail slaves like myself.